Sanford disarms human police
Macaque monkeys to control all weaponry
May 2, 2021. Sanford, OH: On Tuesday evening the Sanford City Council passed a controversial new ordinance that removes all deadly weapons from the hands of traditional law enforcement officers and arms highly-skilled macaque monkeys in their place. The macaques must first complete an 18 month training program and an extensive series of tests in order to qualify for duty.
The Primate Elite Corps (PEC) is comprised of best-in-breed subjects that have completed a rigorous program. They are trained to identify threats and respond accordingly. The main advantage these monkeys have over their human counterparts stems from their ability to view all people as equals, regardless of race, creed, color, political affiliations, fashion choices or hair styles.
“We select only the best and brightest here and they are trained thoroughly” said Fred Wilbur, CEO of PEC “and you can be sure any of our graduates will know when to pull the trigger and how to mitigate a threats appropriately.” Wilbur went on to explain that the macaques are trained to aim low when facing unarmed suspects, and believes this practice will end unnecessary fatal shootings that have been taking lives at a rate of almost one per week over the past several years in the US.
Approximately 30 police officers and family members stood outside of Sanford City Hall protesting the vote. They became more vocal after the vote was announced. One angry officer who declined to give his name told us; “My wife lost her job to a computer ok? But if you’d told me I’d get screwed by these &#@$% monkeys, I’d [have] said you’re nuts!” A few officers held a signs reading GUNS ARE 4 PEOPLE. One of those officers was heard shouting “I never shot nobody!” Many signs included expletives with messages that disparaged the monkeys and/or stating that deadly weapons belong in police hands.
Mayor Jake P. Johansen, who has been a macaque supporter, stressed that there are no lay-offs currently planned. All currently active officers will be reassigned as drivers for the macaques.
Under the current plan, each patrol car will include two human officers, one a driver, and a second riding “shotgun”. A PEC macaque will occupy the back seat and control all weaponry. Officer will also assist with routine situations when no decision-making is required.
Sanford Police Chief Oscar Mingora seemed both skeptical and relieved after the vote was announced, “We’ll have to wait and see how these monkeys handle things, but I am glad the pressure is off my people to make snap decisions in the heat of the action out there. It’s a lot tougher than you think!”
Initially it was thought that the chimpanzee would be used in this capacity, but early program results fell short of expectations. “Chimps have a violent nature” Wilbur explained. “They’re very intelligent creatures so we had high hopes with them early on, but based on their performance, our models projected they’d only be a slight improvement over humans.” PEC scrapped the program after a series of mishaps in which several chimps were killed or injured due to “reckless behaviors”. They ultimately went with macaques because of their more subdued nature and along with their comparable intelligence.
On a parting note, the mayor proclaimed “All the good citizens of Sanford can be counted as true friends of law enforcement in any form that best prioritizes public safety”
